I call this guy "It Is What It Is" Douche. My douche and I went to junior high and high school together, but we never actually spoke to each other til we were in our 30s and had become Facebook friends. After reading a status update I'd posted about a friend's upcoming wedding, he basically invited himself by offering to be my date. Our mutual friends insisted that he was a great guy who'd treat me like a princess, so I figured "What the hell" and told him he could come with me.
We went on one date several weeks before the wedding, and it went extremely well. We really hit it off, and ended up hanging out at my apartment, where he told me his life story. He was divorced and had a daughter with his ex-wife, so he and his ex still remained friends because that was what was best for their daughter. I was impressed by how mature he sounded, and thought it was really great that he and his ex were able to work as a team to make sure their daughter grew up healthy and happy. What I didn't know at the time was that he was a little TOO close to his ex...
After a wonderful first date, I was sure that Douche would be calling me and that we'd start seeing each other on a regular basis. Au contraire. He never called me, and whenever I tried to make plans with him for another date, he'd always give me vague responses; he had a crazy work schedule, he didn't know when/if he'd be able to get together again before the wedding, he was too tired/too busy to talk, you get the idea. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I only received a handful of Facebook messages from him, and that was it. He swore up and down that he was interested in pursuing something with me, but yet his actions stated otherwise.
On the day of the wedding, he showed up to my apartment an hour late. We had agreed ahead of time that we would each put $20 in the card that I bought for the bride and groom, but upon his arrival he said he had no money. None. So he was just signing his name to my card but not actually contributing anything. Also, he'd already offered to drive us to the wedding in his pickup truck, but now he was telling me that I'd have to drive because he didn't have enough gas to get us there and back. Then at the reception, he couldn't buy us any drinks because, like I said, he didn't have ANY money.
Somehow I was able to overlook the little red flags and enjoy our date. I drank a little too much champagne (not something I'd normally do, I'm not a big drinker) and at the end of the night we ended up sleeping together at my apartment. He gave me every indication that he wanted a relationship with me; swore he'd be more communicative and try harder to make me a part of his life, said he still respected me even though we'd slept together, promised he'd call me...but he never did. After a week of not hearing from him, I finally broke down and called him, upset that I hadn't heard from him. He quickly said, "I'm not avoiding you." (Ha! Yeah right.) When I pushed for another date with him, he said (in a very Unenthusiastic voice), " If you want you can come over next week and hang out with me til I go to work, or whatever..." I should have told him to just forget it, but I didn't.
Fast forward one week. I drove an hour and a half to get to his house, and I was early. I knocked on the door, no answer. Rang the doorbell, still no answer. WTF? So I called his cell phone. In a groggy, half-asleep voice, he said that he'd been sleeping and told me the door was unlocked, and I could let myself in. Um, ex-CUSE me? I was pissed. "You knew I was coming - knew I had to drive 90 friggin' minutes to get here - and you can't even greet me at the door?"
So he reluctantly dragged his ass out of bed and came to the door in old pajama bottoms, an old shirt full of holes and bad breath. As if that wasn't bad enough, his house was a disgusting pig sty, his kitchen smelled like the monkey house at the zoo, and he had a sh$T load of guns piled up on one of his chairs where his daughter would've had easy access to them (she wasn't there at the time). There were more little things that made me wonder about him, such as when he poured himself a drink but didn't even offer to pour me a drink. Even when I jokingly asked if I was supposed to share his drink with him, he still didn't "get it", still didn't think to be a gracious host. When we had to go to the store to pick up something for lunch (he hadn't prepared very well for our "date"), he said we'd have to take my car because he had junk piled up on the seats and didn't feel like cleaning his truck out. Then as we're driving, he described us not as "dating", but just as "hanging out". Of course I thought we were dating, so this bothered me. He jokingly said, "I don't have a girlfriend, but I know this girl who'd be really pissed if she heard me say that." You'd think that I'd realize by now that this guy was a loser who had no respect for me or for himself, but dummy me, I continued to spend the day with him and allowed him to treat me like a fuck buddy.
When I left his house that night, I asked him when I could see him again. All he said was, "I don't know." He said he'd call me, but I knew he was just saying whatever he had to say in order to shut me up.
Fast forward to Christmas day (the wedding had been at the beginning of the month). I left a message on his voicemail to say merry Christmas, but he never returned my call. That night I Facebooked him if he'd done anything special for Christmas. Imagine my surprise when he said he spent Christmas at his ex-wife's house! His excuse? He did it for the sake of their daughter, so she could be with both of them on Christmas day. Of course I'd want their child to see both of them for the holidays, but both of them at the same time? Really? My parents divorced when I was young, and they NEVER spent the holidays together; my father would have me for a little while, then Mom would have me the rest of the time. When I pointed this out to Douche, he described himself and his ex as still being "with one another", and said, "I know it's an unusual arrangement, but it is what it is."
Needless to say, we had a huge fight Christmas night. I just couldn't understand what kind of man would spend Christmas with his ex-wife and not even call his girlfriend or even so much as give her a card, and not even try to make any plans with me for the holidays? But now I get it. I was never really his girlfriend in the first place, so in is mind, I had no right to get upset. If I had really paid attention to his words and actions all along, I could've saved myself a load of heartache.
A few days later, after a lot of soul searching and tears, I'd finally reached my breaking point. This guy was obviously not giving me the time or attention I want and deserve, he didn't appreciate me, he wasn't treating me right...so I unfriended him and emailed him to explain how I felt and why I was letting him go. He got an attitude with me, and I haven't heard from him since. Hell, he never even tried to send me $20 to cover his half of the cash "gift" for the wedding.
It's been several months now, and I can honestly say that I'm glad I dated that douche. He gave me that last final "push" I needed in order to end my douche dating days. He treated me so badly that I was finally able to say "Hey, I deserve better than this! I'm outta here!" And now I have a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, keeps his promises and respects my feelings and opinions. So Douche, wherever you are, thank you.
We went on one date several weeks before the wedding, and it went extremely well. We really hit it off, and ended up hanging out at my apartment, where he told me his life story. He was divorced and had a daughter with his ex-wife, so he and his ex still remained friends because that was what was best for their daughter. I was impressed by how mature he sounded, and thought it was really great that he and his ex were able to work as a team to make sure their daughter grew up healthy and happy. What I didn't know at the time was that he was a little TOO close to his ex...
After a wonderful first date, I was sure that Douche would be calling me and that we'd start seeing each other on a regular basis. Au contraire. He never called me, and whenever I tried to make plans with him for another date, he'd always give me vague responses; he had a crazy work schedule, he didn't know when/if he'd be able to get together again before the wedding, he was too tired/too busy to talk, you get the idea. In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I only received a handful of Facebook messages from him, and that was it. He swore up and down that he was interested in pursuing something with me, but yet his actions stated otherwise.
On the day of the wedding, he showed up to my apartment an hour late. We had agreed ahead of time that we would each put $20 in the card that I bought for the bride and groom, but upon his arrival he said he had no money. None. So he was just signing his name to my card but not actually contributing anything. Also, he'd already offered to drive us to the wedding in his pickup truck, but now he was telling me that I'd have to drive because he didn't have enough gas to get us there and back. Then at the reception, he couldn't buy us any drinks because, like I said, he didn't have ANY money.
Somehow I was able to overlook the little red flags and enjoy our date. I drank a little too much champagne (not something I'd normally do, I'm not a big drinker) and at the end of the night we ended up sleeping together at my apartment. He gave me every indication that he wanted a relationship with me; swore he'd be more communicative and try harder to make me a part of his life, said he still respected me even though we'd slept together, promised he'd call me...but he never did. After a week of not hearing from him, I finally broke down and called him, upset that I hadn't heard from him. He quickly said, "I'm not avoiding you." (Ha! Yeah right.) When I pushed for another date with him, he said (in a very Unenthusiastic voice), " If you want you can come over next week and hang out with me til I go to work, or whatever..." I should have told him to just forget it, but I didn't.
Fast forward one week. I drove an hour and a half to get to his house, and I was early. I knocked on the door, no answer. Rang the doorbell, still no answer. WTF? So I called his cell phone. In a groggy, half-asleep voice, he said that he'd been sleeping and told me the door was unlocked, and I could let myself in. Um, ex-CUSE me? I was pissed. "You knew I was coming - knew I had to drive 90 friggin' minutes to get here - and you can't even greet me at the door?"
So he reluctantly dragged his ass out of bed and came to the door in old pajama bottoms, an old shirt full of holes and bad breath. As if that wasn't bad enough, his house was a disgusting pig sty, his kitchen smelled like the monkey house at the zoo, and he had a sh$T load of guns piled up on one of his chairs where his daughter would've had easy access to them (she wasn't there at the time). There were more little things that made me wonder about him, such as when he poured himself a drink but didn't even offer to pour me a drink. Even when I jokingly asked if I was supposed to share his drink with him, he still didn't "get it", still didn't think to be a gracious host. When we had to go to the store to pick up something for lunch (he hadn't prepared very well for our "date"), he said we'd have to take my car because he had junk piled up on the seats and didn't feel like cleaning his truck out. Then as we're driving, he described us not as "dating", but just as "hanging out". Of course I thought we were dating, so this bothered me. He jokingly said, "I don't have a girlfriend, but I know this girl who'd be really pissed if she heard me say that." You'd think that I'd realize by now that this guy was a loser who had no respect for me or for himself, but dummy me, I continued to spend the day with him and allowed him to treat me like a fuck buddy.
When I left his house that night, I asked him when I could see him again. All he said was, "I don't know." He said he'd call me, but I knew he was just saying whatever he had to say in order to shut me up.
Fast forward to Christmas day (the wedding had been at the beginning of the month). I left a message on his voicemail to say merry Christmas, but he never returned my call. That night I Facebooked him if he'd done anything special for Christmas. Imagine my surprise when he said he spent Christmas at his ex-wife's house! His excuse? He did it for the sake of their daughter, so she could be with both of them on Christmas day. Of course I'd want their child to see both of them for the holidays, but both of them at the same time? Really? My parents divorced when I was young, and they NEVER spent the holidays together; my father would have me for a little while, then Mom would have me the rest of the time. When I pointed this out to Douche, he described himself and his ex as still being "with one another", and said, "I know it's an unusual arrangement, but it is what it is."
Needless to say, we had a huge fight Christmas night. I just couldn't understand what kind of man would spend Christmas with his ex-wife and not even call his girlfriend or even so much as give her a card, and not even try to make any plans with me for the holidays? But now I get it. I was never really his girlfriend in the first place, so in is mind, I had no right to get upset. If I had really paid attention to his words and actions all along, I could've saved myself a load of heartache.
A few days later, after a lot of soul searching and tears, I'd finally reached my breaking point. This guy was obviously not giving me the time or attention I want and deserve, he didn't appreciate me, he wasn't treating me right...so I unfriended him and emailed him to explain how I felt and why I was letting him go. He got an attitude with me, and I haven't heard from him since. Hell, he never even tried to send me $20 to cover his half of the cash "gift" for the wedding.
It's been several months now, and I can honestly say that I'm glad I dated that douche. He gave me that last final "push" I needed in order to end my douche dating days. He treated me so badly that I was finally able to say "Hey, I deserve better than this! I'm outta here!" And now I have a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, keeps his promises and respects my feelings and opinions. So Douche, wherever you are, thank you.
I think every girl (or guy) has dated that one "bottomfeeder" that brought them down to rock bottom. Once you hit rock bottom you can only go up from there. I've definitely dated a few douches that I felt like I chased and chased and chased until I realized that I wasn't getting anything out and I put too much effort in. In hindsight it's clear but at the time, emotionally it's not. We have to date those douches to let us know what red flags to look for in the future so we don't waste our time on them like the original douche.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're with a wonderful man that treats you like a queen now and respects you :)
ReplyDeleteWell. We all have to learn our Life Lessons from somebody! Reading your story made me realize the same mistake I made before. I don't know your age, but if a guy does not have enough gas in his car to be able to take his date anywhere, that is the clue that he does not have his act together like an adult. There is no excuse other than he is a loser and instead of lowering our standards to enjoy some sexual chemistry, we should raise our standards and remove ourselves from self-punishing situations.
ReplyDeleteOh I had one of those. we did stuff for a year then he got a girlfriend and STILL convinced me to sleep with him. my current boyfriend convinced me I was much better than that though so I dropped that guy got with my boyfriend of almost a year now and I happily will never look back! :)
ReplyDeleteWow, it made me cringe reading this, i was you, and to some extent still am. Thanks so much for sharing your story, i know what i have to do!!
ReplyDelete